How To Abolish Mom Guilt Forever
Some years ago, I was listening to a conference CD Set when the minister on the recording said something that hit me like a ton of bricks.
He said, “You’ve got to stop should-ing on yourself!“
As the laughter erupted in the room (get your mind out of the gutter!), he explained that often depression is deeply rooted in unreasonable expectations that we and others place on ourselves. The sense of failure we experience when we don’t measure up to those expectations induces guilt.
Sound familiar?
We admonish ourselves, “I should be doing _____ and _____, “ and when we don’t, we feel tremendous guilt and shame. I still remember the impact of the speaker’s statement. I hadn’t even realized that I had been beating myself up in that way for years!
I was both shocked and embarrassed.
I began to seek the Lord for wisdom and direction. What He began to show me led to a new sense of freedom. One of my takeaways – comparison kills! I’m called to live out my life, not the life of the girl next door. And the standard I’m called to live by is the standard of Christ and His Word, not of the culture I found myself born into.
Romans 12:2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.
Have you ever realized how much you “should” on yourself?
We are bombarded daily by various voices. I don’t mean the kind of voices that land you on the Dr Phil show. I mean the nagging whispers of our soul, the echoes of our well-meaning parents, and many others. (Let’s not forget the voices of Would-Be-Influencers on their self-erected soap boxes.)
Each day, these voices seek to lead us and shape us. They want to tell us how we should be living and what we should be striving for. It’s time to expose them for what they are - bullies and joy-stealers!
Before we move on, I’m not talking about shrinking back from God-given responsibilities and calling.
There’s a sea of separation between laying down our lives for Christ and the ambush of demands modern culture entraps us in. If this modern day society had its way, we’d all be dancing to the beat of their drum like a submissive little string puppet.
Oh, you’re going to dance, Sis! But it’s going to be the dance of freedom - once you (finally) quit should-ing on yourself!
I don’t know about you, but here are some of the disgusting Shoulds I’ve let bully me for years:
“I should be cleaning right now.”
“I should be a better mom and have nutritious, hot meals three times a day for my family.”
“I shouldn’t have just lost my cool with my kids. I should be more patient.”
“I need to spend more time with my husband, but I feel guilty about being away from the kids.”
“I should spend more time in prayer.”
“I need some me time, but the kids might need me. I don’t want to be selfish.”
“I should be eating healthier.”
“I should be exercising, but I’m already exhausted from chasing these kids all day.”
“I should make our home look more like the ones on Instagram and Pinterest.”
And on and on it goes until you’re buried under a stinky batch of shoulds and should n’ts!
All the while, your self-esteem and confidence are taking a beating, and before you know what has happened, you’ve begun to look more like a deflated balloon on a hot summer day than the beautiful and free butterfly you’ve been created to be.
Why do we do this to ourselves?
Because we listen when we shouldn’t and don’t when we should. It all comes back to the voices - those sneaky, little poisonous arrows the enemy uses to try and tame and imprison us.
We’re under attack! These incoming missiles will hit the target if we don’t take action and resist them.
But how?
First, go look in the mirror and remind yourself just how beautiful and talented you are!
(Yes, you are, Sis! You truly are!)
Repeat after me: “I am loved! I am chosen! I am important! I am enough!”
(I can’t hear you! Do it again!)
Now, take a minute and ask yourself this question:
“What are my core life values?”
You might notice that I did not say goals. (Can we just delete the #goals movement while we’re at it?!) Most often, these so-called goals are fueling conformity instead of peace.
Our core values are signposts that lead us towards the fulfillment of our calling.
It’s no coincidence that these values matter so much to you. Following our values creates a life of contentment, and contentment breeds peace.
So back to the question… “What are my core values?”
Do I value family?
Do I value a happy marriage?
Do I value a Christ-surrendered life?
Do I value peace in my home?
If we are fully aware of our core life values, then the next time we fall into an IG rabbit hole - or the voices return, insisting, “I really should be redoing my kitchen to match this latest trend,” - I can remind that pimple-faced bully that I value peace in my home over green kitchen cabinets and pie shelves decorated with thrift store junk.
With your core values at the helm of your life, rather than goals or shoulds, you’ll find that taking time out of your busy day to blow bubbles in the backyard with the kids leads to contentment, and that’s certainly nothing to feel guilty about!
The funny thing about a sink full of dirty dishes is that they recreate themselves faster than a backyard bunny rabbit. Let them sit.
Blow the bubbles, go out with your hubby, and don’t forget to dance!
